| | sometimes life is amazing.
sometimes life is not so amazing.
sometimes life sucks.
i'm not sure how life is right now. i guess it's more of a "i thought
life was amazing, but maybe it isn't so amazing afterall" time in my
life. a lot has been going on these past couple months (years
actually), and a lot has been changing this past month. change is a
funny word because so many people use it so flippantly so often ("so"
count = 3 haha). i am chief in this category; i promise myself, others,
and most importantly God that I will change or that I am changing. but
i've been saying that for over a year now. almost two years ago i
started on a downward spiral that almost destroyed me, and i'm still
dealing with the consequences. i always knew that the life i was
leading was not the one that i wanted to be, or was intended for me.
you see, i have experienced something far greater and more
satisfying than anything carnal or temporary. i was just reading
through a journal i inconsistently kept during my mission trip to
Panama. in it i related miracles that I saw take place firsthand, and
others that i only heard about. i saw people healed, i saw people
changed, i saw myself changed. in that journal i expressed doubts that
still plauge me today. you see, i'm a thinker. i'm a psychology major
with a philosophy minor or major (depending on course availability). i
enjoy thinking about things logically and empirically, to reason things
out to their logical conclusion. however, i can't seem to reason God to
any sort of logical conclusion. many of the things i have seen him do
don't make any logical sense (i.e. healings). i saw a young lady who
had jumped off a cliff into the river (a recreational activity on the
panama trips) and who had landed on rocks, be healed. she litterally
couldn't walk and was being held up by 2 of her friends. she had a
brace on her foot/leg and it was swollen badly. she, along with many
others in the group had asked for prayer for ailments suffered on our
first trip into the jungle. they were all healed. the girl, Barbie,
began jumping up and down, the ankle brace was removed to reveal that
the injury was gone. just like that.
someone very close to
me, as an infant, suffered from a very serious disease that is rare but
very deadly for babies. the doctors told his parents that he did not
have long to live. his mother was heartbroken and angry, and could
scarcely offer up a prayer. she asked her close friends to pray for the
life of her baby. later, the infant was taken into the hospital for
more testing... the doctors upon investigating the disease's progress
discovered something unbelievable; the disease was gone. they tried
their best to come up with some explanation to tell the parents of the
boy, but couldn't. the baby had been suffering from a disease that was
going to kill it. it wasn't a "maybe" or a "he might die," he simply
wasn't going to live. but, the disease was gone. it hadn't gone into
recession, his body hadn't fended it off, it was just gone. this person
is now an adult who is very important to me and whose life God saved.
bottom line, God is real. i can't prove it scientifically, i can't
give you a mathmatical formula, and i can't see him or make him be
seen. but, I have seen him
work and i've felt him in my life. i am where i am because of him, and
he has allowed me to go through these past couple years. i'm not going
to lie, on many occasions i have been very angry at him for that. but,
the interesting thing is that the hardest times i have ever had are
when i walked away from him, he never walked away from me.
i'm
at a very difficult time in my life right now. i am coming out of a
long period of struggle, and am faced with a lot of decisions that are
all very important. there are things that i would love
to be able to do right now, but that i know i cannot rush. i have to
have time to heal from old and new wounds before i'll be ready to
progress. i've been going through a rough point in my life as many of
you know, but things are changing. stick with me guys, i need you all.
i know that i have been blessed with greater friendships than anyone
could ever ask for, and i am so thankful for that. i know that don't
make things easy all the time, that i make things difficult and
confusing, and that sometimes i don't make clear what i want... but you
know me.
know, friends, that i will never abandon you, no
matter our past or present situations. if you need me, i'll be here.
some of you share my beliefs and some of you don't. i love you all
regardless, and i'll be here for you.
you know, when i
started this post/blog/whatever i thought i was going to speak on
something more or less specific and recent. something that was causing
me pain. but, i realized that there is something more important. haha,
i don't know how organized this is, or if anyone actually read all the
way through it. if you did, thanks. i would love for things to work out
exactly how i want them to, and for people to understand my situation
and work with me. but, that isn't how it works. all i can do is rest in
the knowledge that if God wants something to work out, he'll make it
happen. i'm willing to wait for that. i'm doing what i believe is
right, and i hope that is understood.
there is more i want
to right on this topic (topics?). for now though, know that i love you
all and am so excited about this summer. i have seen a lot of you
already and hope to spend a lot of time with all of you. it's 5:30am
though so i'm planning on spending some time with my pillow at this
point.
we've been through a lot, and that means something to me.
sincerely,
cory
ps
i realized upon scrolling up through this e-mail that i started and
left open several topics. hopefully, i'll make the time soon to take
each and discuss in more detail.
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| | Posted 5/16/2006 5:29 AM - 10 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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